I get so frustrated when I cannot write what is in my head. My thoughts are thinking it, my subconcious is turning it over and over and keeping me from soundly sleeping, my prayers are even directed towards it. But what IS ‘it’?
About a year ago I stopped being able to truly share what was on my heart in words on a page (especially a blogging page). I look back over the past few years that I have written and cannot seem to find a time when this has been an issue before so why now.
In part, I believe that God is doing a work in me that I just do not want to share with the world yet. Sometimes things that are going on in my heart and mind are not quite figured out and I don’t want to have to defend them to anyone as I am just figuring out how to defend them in myself.
Another theory, is that my life just seems mundane. I am a wandering soul, always looking for the next adventure. My previous writings have been deep thoughts conjured up on short journeys, or tales of my adventures…and, well, those types of adventures have been rather non-existent in the recent past.
Then there is the intimidation factor. I have incredibly creative friends and relatives who write words that I love to drink in, and my words have seemed simply inadequate in comparison -quite probably due to the two afore mentioned reasons.
But reality is, the basis of all three and the truth behind it all is fear and pride. Such ugly little words, such ugly feelings, and so completely demoralizing.
Fear – What if someone reads my words and wants to debate them and I do not know how to respond? What if my friends read my thoughts and heart feelings and decide they do not want to be friends any more? What if my words prove that my life is as trite as I might think it is, and I am more than just mundane? What if I am….??
Pride – the irony here is while these thoughts might appear to be “humble” they are really just prideful. Why is there any assumption that my words are more than mere entertainment, and that anyone but those that love me most choose to read them anyway. Why would any of this have any affect on my worth?
I remember when I started this blog three years ago and wrote the words ” Sometimes I am deep and sometimes I am shallow….either way…I am still me. I put up words for others to read…if you like them say so…if you don’t that is fine too…they are still my words, still my feelings, still me.”
So here is my confession, some where along the way I lost the value and meaning behind that statement. My pride started caring what others thought and in the journey to rediscover me I somehow missed this particular attack of the enemy. So I am reclaiming those words, I am going to write….my words may be silly and shallow, or I may take on something I am trying to figure out….I am trepidatiously (is that even a word?) going to put myself back out there.
Going back to those feelings of fear…those “what ifs?”
What if someone reads my words and wants to debate them and I do not know how to respond? Then I will honestly say, this is something I am working through and while I love your input I am not yet ready to defend or debate my thoughts just yet….and they will respect that answer…they are my friends.
What if my friends read my thoughts and heart feelings and decide they do not want to be friends any more? Then they were never truely friends to begin with and they can go fly a kite! What if my words prove that my life is as trite as I might think it is, and I am more than just mundane? Then they will be more of a motivation to step out into the adventure.
What if I am….?? What if I am not?!?
So thoughts, feelings, words on a page….the adventure begins again. Fear – still there – but this time prodding me to do better. Pride – only in the fact that He who began a good work in me is FAITHFUL to complete it.