Job 10:1 – 2 I loathe my life; I will give free utterance to my complaint; I will speak in the bitterness of my soul. I will say to God, Do not condemn me; let me know why you contend against me.
These were the first words I read this morning. In my “reading through the Bible for shirkers and slakers“, while I seem to miss other days I never fail to get to Wednesday where I am working through the book of Job. I said “working” through because I have read Job twice in the past year and somehow find myself working through it again. I am finding that I am falling in love with the book however depressing it may be. There is a part of my soul that deeply resonates with Job though I have never had my entire life wiped out before me in a matter of days. Instead, what I do find is my constantly fighting off the lies of the enemy – in his case it was his friends and wife who were speaking them to him but in my life I often find it is my past that speaks out so loudly.
I want a do-over for the month of January. I started into January ready to take over the year 2011. I had goals set up and was ready to accomplish them, I was starting a new year of life, things are going wonderfully and life is great. Then bam! the month starts and off I go. First I threw out my back, this laid me out for a couple of days and for a solid week and a half I moved very carefully and gingerly through life. This off set my training for my 5K (though I ran it anyway), kept me from keeping my house as clean as I like it (as it hurt to do anything but lay on the floor), and set me back on the plans I had set out for me. As my back, with the help of my amazing chiropractor, finally began to heal I got sick. I am now on day 14 of coughing, congestion and overall energy draining. I don’t get sick often so when I do it throws me completely off balance. While I have fought through this and kept going, there is a part of me that is simply exhausted.
I came to the last day of January and found that despite all of the good that happened in January (a great birthday, running a 5K, spending time with friends, making new friends, and a lovely surprise party in my honor), I was discombobulated. I felt as if nothing had really changed in my life. In the midst of this feeling the lies of the enemy came rushing in…..
“You will never be more than you are right now….” “The choices and decisions of your past are way too great for God to ever use you…” “Those same choices and decisions will keep you from ever having a godly man pursue you….” “You will be single and alone forever because you are not anything anyone would ever want….” “You will never again be desired…..” “You are undeserving….” “You are undisciplined…..” “You will never be enough….”
Yesterday, as blow after blow kept coming, and I tearfully tried to shield my mind from the punches that the enemy kept throwing….that last statement did it. Like a fight scene in a movie when the good guy is being pummeled and you think all is lost for him….then the rhythm of the music shifts, the camera pans in to a close up on his face, his eyes narrow and you see the truth of who he is and the determination not to be defeated come rushing back….the music starts to crescendo and we all cheer as the good guy pushes back and beats the crap out of the bad guy! THAT is exactly what that last statement did in my life.
You see…the enemy is amazingly good at telling half truths. So while that last sentence had truth to it, he had forgotten the refrain….”You will never be enough… but HE IS ENOUGH!”
So I started throwing punches of my own…
“I will never be more than I am right now… Without the truth of the cross – but I have that and I will be more than a conquerer through Him.”
“The choices and decisions of my life…. covered by His blood – the payment for them it is finished and done.”
“If God can use murders, thieves, and the band of misfits we call the disciples…He can and will use me.”
Punch for punch I matched his lies with the Truth.
So here I am on February 2, 2011 – fighting with the lies, but knowing Who and what the Truth is helping to push them back. And with Job I “give free utterance to my complaint…” I don’t know what my future holds. I do not know if February will be just as discombobulated as January. I don’t know if I will feel better soon. I don’t know if I will be able to run a half marathon. I don’ t know if a Godly man will ever see me as worthy of pursuit. I don’t know if the goals I have set for myself will come to see the light of day. But this I know with all that is within me, He is ENOUGH! It took me years to say those words and mean them. Every day is a fight to see if I am going to walk in them. He is ENOUGH! It is a promise that resonates with in me. He is ENOUGH! Though I sit in darkness wondering if I will see the light. He is ENOUGH Though I may never get to live again on the continent where my heart dwells. He is ENOUGH! Though I am single. He is ENOUGH! I will fight every lie with that Truth. He is ENOUGH! and I will walk in that victory.
On sticky notes throughout my house, in my car and on my desk at work I have surrounded myself with scripture – before me now is this verse. Job 42:2-4 I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours will be thwarted. Hear and I will speak; I will question you, and you make it known to me.
His promises are faithful, He can do all things, He listens when I cry out and no purpose of His will be thwarted. What more can a girl ask for? He is enough.