Sometimes I feel that my posts are just too heavy to publish. I love to be known as the happy-go-lucky, laughing, fun to be around person who just makes everyone else feel better; whose answer to “how are you?” is “GREAT!” and who easy helps to carry the burdens of others. I like that person – because that is who I am. However, to read my blog for the past couple of months you wouldn’t think so….
For some reason I find that am in a heavier season of life than usual…The Middle East is blowing up (affecting people I know and love), Africa is not far behind it (affecting people I know and love), friends and family are being diagnosed with life changing and challenging diseases left and right and friends and loved ones of friends are dying….and mortality is staring me in the face. As of today 8 people in my life have left for heaven in the past 4 weeks. Those who believe death comes in threes – I’m hoping you are wrong because I am not sure if I can take the news of a ninth.
I’ve been to 4 funerals so far and each of them were different, yet each came back to the celebrating and memorializing of the life of a person. A story about who they were and what they invested in during their time on this earth.
I am young and while I have a cognizant understanding that the last breath I breathe could be my last – I really don’t expect it to be…and don’t sit around waiting for it – but in the face of all that has happened in the past few weeks and months – this season of life has caused me to sit back and really bring into focus what my life is about. Outside of just a “Jesus, God, the Bible” answer – Really -what is my life all about? Who am I investing in? What am I allowing to consume my life? Where is my focus? You’ve seen these thoughts in some of my past few blogs…..and apparently I am in a season that is going to continue to ask those questions over and over again as I adjust my thought processes.
This morning as I sit and reflect and listen to the news on the tragic death of a young pastor who was loved by those that I love – my heart grows heavier still. Not for the pastor – the glory that he is experiencing right now is beyond even my wildest comprehension. But I weep for those who were left behind – the loved ones, friends and congregants that will feel the sting of his death for years to come. I weep for the one who thought it necessary to commit this act of murder, because I know that his life must be in the darkest of places to have pushed him to this act.
My soul is restless…trying to comprehend it all. Trying to put into place the thoughts and words and questions that these losses leave behind. I am trying to “hold fast to the confession of my hope without wavering”, but to be honest – today there is a waver or two.
Tomorrow, I may dance, and sing and be the happy-go-lucky person that everyone knows….but today….I weep with those who mourn.