I got some news a few days ago that I didn’t like. It wasn’t bad news, exactly, it was just news that opened up an old wound in my heart that I thought I had already closed and had completely healed. I was wrong. It seems while the wound is mostly healed there was still a scab that could picked at, and this news did just that. Sure enough, it hurt, and I bled (metaphorically, of course) just a little.
While this piece of news actually does not affect my life at all, in fact, the bearer of the news would probably be surprised at the affect that it had on me; all of the sudden all I could think was – “What am I doing with my life?” “I should move to Africa.” “I really should re-think that job opportunity in Alaska.” “Maybe I am not supposed to be in Texas.” My running shoes were on and I was off in a breathless pace of goooooooooooooo.
WOAH! As quickly as my mind started running…it came screeching to a halt. Panting. Breathless. One of the things that I have learned over the past year is rather than run, to stop and acknowledge what is actually bothering me. So I stopped, I closed my eyes, and I allowed myself to feel. I took a deep breath in…and felt the loss that caused the wound in the first place. I let the deep breath out…and acknowledge all the healing that has happened in my life since then. Another intake of breath and I thought about the disappointing news I had just heard, a breath out and allowed the tears to come. It is okay to cry when things hurt. Then I shifted the focus….as I took my next breath in, I looked back over the past few years and was reminded that I am loved by so many. As I exhaled…I remembered that I am exactly where God wants me to be and I am happier than I have been in years. In and out, the breaths were steady now….and I thought back to all of the amazing ways that He has proven faithful in the past few years…the victories in my life, the things I have gone through and overcome to get to where I am, the friends that I have that are so incredibly supportive, and the people that are there to catch me when I fall, pick me up, help me dust off, and love me enough to run this race with me.
As I opened my eyes, I glanced over at a sticky note on my desk that has Isaiah 26:3 written on it and soaked in the truth that He keeps in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast because they trust Him. I focused in on the word “steadfast” – another word that I have quoted for years, but only had the jist of what the meaning actually was. According to Webster it means “firmly fixed in place, not subject to change, firm in belief, determination, or adherence.” FIRMLY FIXED IN PLACE. In other words – “does not put on running shoes every time something gets a little uncomfortable.” The question really then becomes, “Am I going to trust Him in this moment?” I’ve spent the past 6 years on this blog talking about trust at some level or another, and just about the time I think I’ve got it – that I trust Him fully – something else comes along that I need to let go of and trust Him for.
Finally, I mentally took the running shoes off and put some flip flops went on. I had in a few minutes been able to let go of what before would have caused me months of running in circles in other areas because I had refused to face the pain of a moment. As I headed out the door later that evening, I took an inner glance at the wound that had hurt so badly just hours before. Sure enough, it was healing again, and the opening was much smaller this time. Even the scar tissue seemed have faded. I smiled to myself and headed out to an evening full of friendship and laughter and the perfect peace that comes with knowing I’m right where I should be.