I had written a glib little piece for Day 14, full of fun and silliness and the things that filled up my day. But I could not hit publish for some reason. So I didn’t.
Then I saw the news. A fertilizer plant in West, Texas had blown and had taken out everything in its path for miles around. I just sat and watched the coverage of this tragedy where even the reporters just had no idea what to say and the anchors were choking up in tears.
I closed my computer and decided day 14 would have to wait. I had no words.
My heart – almost numb at this point just said “Why God? Why?” And then I got mad. I got mad because I knew that this would turn into a political things somehow. I got mad because I knew that jokes would come. I got mad because people were hurt for no good reason other than being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I got mad because I knew that people would rush to help for the sake of their own prideful “look at me I’m helping” and not to actually help at all. I got mad at myself for having any and all of those judgmental, harsh thoughts. I got mad because all of the happenings of this week seem so completely senseless to me. But mostly I got mad because everything in my world just seems to be in total chaos right now!
I wanted to write something fun and glib and silly, and yet day after day my heart is inundated with the horrors of this world – cancer, bombs, rape, murder, abused children, and tragic accidents. How do you write a funny story after being faced with these things all day. Yet – I really don’t want this blog to just be day after day of Debbie downer.
Then I turned to the scriptures and let the words wash over me. I “am not as those who have no HOPE”. (1 Thessalonians 4:13) I “KNOW that my Redeemer lives” (Job 19:25)! I KNOW THIS! AND in my faith I also know that I serve One to whom none of these tragedies are a shock or surprise. All are things that He could have stopped from happening – and He didn’t and I don’t know why. But what I do know is this – He is big enough to handle my anger, my tears, my anxiety, my fears and my questioning. He has called me to constant communication with Him, and sometimes that communication is just asking why over and over. And I know that this is okay. I also know, as I said on Day 11, He sees a bigger picture. He knows what He is about, and somehow in the tragedy of it all it is still for our good and His glory. I don’t get it, but I trust it – because He has proven faithful since the beginning of time.
So today, I sit in heaviness, brokenhearted. And tomorrow, I might sit there too. This blog may be days or weeks of posts of how I am just leaning in, trusting that His promises are faithful and found complete in Christ, and a place in which I work out my faith. I hope that somehow in it – you find comfort and you find Hope. Or you may stop reading it all together and that is okay too. My prayer is that somehow in the midst of all of this you find that you are not alone and that there is Hope found in Him.
So, blog #14 will not be glib and silly – today I am brokenhearted – crying out “Come quickly, Lord Jesus, Come!”