“A large crowd followed and pressed around Him. And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind Him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, ‘If I just touch His clothes, I will be healed.’ Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering. At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from Him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, ‘Who touched my clothes?’ ‘You see the people crowding against you,’ His disciples answered, ‘and yet you can ask, “Who touched Me?”’ But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and knelt at His feet, and trembling with fear, told Him the whole truth.
He said to her, ‘Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering’”
A couple of weekends ago I went to a women’s conference – one should know that I despise these things (well reallyI’m not a fan of all things “women” so baby showers, wedding showers, weddings, women’s conferences, etc – very low on my list of fun things to do.) but one of my dearest friends had asked me to go and as we rarely get time with just the two of us and as she is generally not all about “women’s” things either I took this as a sign for good things and said sure. The day that the conference started, I was an emotional wreck- sad, mad, anxious, tired, angry, generally in an extremely bad mood. What I have learned in the past is that this often happens just before God is about to do something amazing in my life and so as I calmed down and tried to get ready for the conference that evening, I let the enemy know that he was not welcome anywhere in my life.
Off I went to the conference, Friday night was ok, I did my very best not to sit back and critique (which is my normal MO for these kinds of things) and in the end enjoyed myself – I was even willing to go back the next day. On Saturday morning I woke up and immediately began to think “I need to go today expectant…” I’ve heard this phrase before and never really understood how to force oneself to be this way, especially as I grew up in a very critical atmosphere and have to forceabley work on being positive in my thoughts. But I prayed it anyway…”Lord, help me to be expectant about whatever it is that you have for me….open arms, open mind, whatever you have in store for me….ready or not here I go….” I got up and around and started getting ready and as I do every morning poured out my handful of pills for my blood pressure and my thyroid & my vitamins, I thought “I hate taking these pills, I hate that my thyroid messes with my weight and basically everything else,(my depression, my energy, my concentration, my hair, my skin…) I hate it!! And I then as if God was right there beside me I heard a still small voice say “Why haven’t you ever asked Me for healing?” *Gulp…Oh.
I do my best to be a prayer warrior for my friends, to plead, interceed and I ask him to heal others, to move and work, to restore, to give faith to believe and to work miracously. I pray with expectation that He is mighty, faithful and able to do all that I ask for my friends, but for me…I rarely ask. I just take my ailments in stride and “suffer” through them. For whatever reason, I rarely ask for miracles in my own life…and that is where I came to a realization that I was wrong. At that moment I decided I was going to begin to pray expectantly and miraculously in my own life as well as the lives others. In fact, I was going to start by praying for healing from my thyroid and hypertensive conditions.
How amazingly faithful is our God? And what a sense of humor He must have….I get to the conference that morning and the pastor’s wife was speaking on healing!!! I am not even kidding! She talked about her testimony of being completely healed of arthritis, and then talked about the woman with an issue of blood and reached out to touch the hem of Jesus’ garment. She talked about how we all had issues in our lives that need to be healed. One point she made that really touched home with me was that there were a lot of people around Jesus, but this woman reached out to him…and that there is a huge difference in being around Jesus and reaching for him.
So, humbly, I went to the foot of the cross to confess my lack of faith in my own life, and to begin to seek healing from the things that hurt me the most. I then went to a trusted group of women and a sweet set of friends – laid down my mask of “I’m fine I can fight this on my own” and began to confess my weary life -wiped out with fatigue (not tiredness – bone weary, heavy, body aching fatigue), wanting to have the energy to get up spend time with friends, work my Mary Kay business, and to clean & organize my house….I confessed the darkness of the depression that I felt settling in for whatever reason and the fear that it would be there to stay this time, that I was to the point of not wanting to get out of bed in the morning….and I asked them to pray for healing. Full healing, reaching out to Jesus, to brush his garment with my fingers, healing.
What a beautiful and faithful God I serve and what a sweet set of loved ones I have been given. Once the mask was off and they saw that part of me for who I really was they did not run in another direction, but rather surrounded me, loved me, laid hands on me, prayed over me, and spent all of last week sending texts that started in the early morning hours telling me to get out of bed to the evening hours praying for my insomnia and all the hours in between phone calls, the encouragement of scripture and just general checking in…
As a result of it all, this week has been so much better, I can say that – for now – the depression has gone back to its ugly corner – still letting me know it is there, but it is not in my face present. And I’m faithfully believing that one day I’ll glance into that dark corner and it will be gone forever. The fatigue is still there – and until the Lord heals completely or until the meds kick in and begin working properly I am aware that it will continue to be there and I can manage it. My doctors are working to find the right natural cure for my body at this time. A shift in diet and a change in dosage…soon I’ll be good to go.
More than anything what has been amazing is simply the knowledge that I am not alone in the battle. I have friends, family and loved ones who are in battle with and for me….and that is humbling, encouraging, overwhelming and just simply lovely.
The fight is not over, but I am encouraged by the fact that in the Great Physician the victory has already been won. And as with the writer of Hebrews I am “holding fast the confession of my Hope without wavering, for He who promised is Faithful.” (Heb. 10:23)