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I got some news a few days ago that I didn’t like. It wasn’t bad news, exactly, it was just news that opened up an old wound in my heart that I thought I had already closed and had completely healed. I was wrong. It seems while the wound is mostly healed there was still a scab that could picked at, and this news did just that. Sure enough, it hurt, and I bled (metaphorically, of course) just a little.
While this piece of news actually does not affect my life at all, in fact, the bearer of the news would probably be surprised at the affect that it had on me; all of the sudden all I could think was – “What am I doing with my life?” “I should move to Africa.” “I really should re-think that job opportunity in Alaska.” “Maybe I am not supposed to be in Texas.” My running shoes were on and I was off in a breathless pace of goooooooooooooo.
WOAH! As quickly as my mind started running…it came screeching to a halt. Panting. Breathless. One of the things that I have learned over the past year is rather than run, to stop and acknowledge what is actually bothering me. So I stopped, I closed my eyes, and I allowed myself to feel. I took a deep breath in…and felt the loss that caused the wound in the first place. I let the deep breath out…and acknowledge all the healing that has happened in my life since then. Another intake of breath and I thought about the disappointing news I had just heard, a breath out and allowed the tears to come. It is okay to cry when things hurt. Then I shifted the focus….as I took my next breath in, I looked back over the past few years and was reminded that I am loved by so many. As I exhaled…I remembered that I am exactly where God wants me to be and I am happier than I have been in years. In and out, the breaths were steady now….and I thought back to all of the amazing ways that He has proven faithful in the past few years…the victories in my life, the things I have gone through and overcome to get to where I am, the friends that I have that are so incredibly supportive, and the people that are there to catch me when I fall, pick me up, help me dust off, and love me enough to run this race with me.
As I opened my eyes, I glanced over at a sticky note on my desk that has Isaiah 26:3 written on it and soaked in the truth that He keeps in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast because they trust Him. I focused in on the word “steadfast” – another word that I have quoted for years, but only had the jist of what the meaning actually was. According to Webster it means “firmly fixed in place, not subject to change, firm in belief, determination, or adherence.” FIRMLY FIXED IN PLACE. In other words – “does not put on running shoes every time something gets a little uncomfortable.” The question really then becomes, “Am I going to trust Him in this moment?” I’ve spent the past 6 years on this blog talking about trust at some level or another, and just about the time I think I’ve got it – that I trust Him fully – something else comes along that I need to let go of and trust Him for.
Finally, I mentally took the running shoes off and put some flip flops went on. I had in a few minutes been able to let go of what before would have caused me months of running in circles in other areas because I had refused to face the pain of a moment. As I headed out the door later that evening, I took an inner glance at the wound that had hurt so badly just hours before. Sure enough, it was healing again, and the opening was much smaller this time. Even the scar tissue seemed have faded. I smiled to myself and headed out to an evening full of friendship and laughter and the perfect peace that comes with knowing I’m right where I should be.
You know the kind….when you wake up and moan rather than being thankful you are alive….
It’s one of those days where though you know it is not true….you feel as though even if you wore a mu-mu it would be to small to cover all the parts of your body that you don’t like….
One of those days where something is rattling in your car and your throat catches as you fear all of the possible things it could be and the thousands of dollars it will take to repair….
One of those days where the people around you don’t stand a chance at not annoying you because you annoy you and everyone else is just extra….
One of those days when you hit every red light on the way to and from where ever you are going….
One of those days where tears are burning your eyes just waiting to spill over at the most inopportune times….
One of those days where you drop your keys every time you try to use them….
One of those days when you leave something you need in your apartment, go up and get it, walk all the way back down just to realize you have the wrong thing and have to go back….
One of those days when it feels like the whole system of life is targeting you and is winning….
You know there are a million and one reasons to be thankful, to be happy, to rejoice in what you have vs what you don’t have….yet you still groan.
One of those days where you know He will give you more than you could ever ask or think…but you are so overwhelmed with looming “reality” that to trust is actually painful and may cause you to stop breathing for a minute.
Yep it is one of those days. A day to stretch my faith, to work my trust muscles, to really sit and take into account all the blessings I do have (I’m not there yet, I’m too busy wallowing right now…but I will get there.)
I’ll get through this day….the answers will come, the problems will be solved, the provision for what I need that was proved before I needed it will be there, He will still be in control, and I will still be breathing….All things will work together for His glory and my eventual joy. But until then….I need coffee and chocolate!
I am looking at my phone at the 7 day forecast. the 100’s are back – *sigh*. How sweet it has been to have cooler temperatures this past week – to be able to throw the windows open and turn the air conditioner off. But apparently summer thought it needed one last hurrah…so back it came for an encore.
This summer has been overwhelming to me. We have had record after record broken when it comes to heat, the amount of heat, the intensity of heat and the longevity of the heat. What is amazing to me is those who have competitive spirits are actually bemoaning the fact that we missed a record or two. To those people I say – SHUT.UP!! Our farmers are in NEED, people & animals are dying, and water levels are at record lows all over the state – get over it – move on – go cry somewhere else.
As I was saying – in looking at the 7 day forecast – what I also see are storms. Now those who know me – know I love a good storm. One of my childhood stories relays that in the midst of a horrible Texas thunderstorm with booming thunder and vicious strikes of lighting all around, the electricity went out casting our home in darkness – I was 4. My mom, quickly starting making her way to my room calling out words of comfort to me thinking that I would be huddled and afraid. I responded, “What’s wrong, Mama?” That storm did not bother me at all. I also have memory of believing that lighting was just a flash on God’s giant camera and that He was taking pictures of the earth – I have NO idea where that thought came from – from the minds of children. In later years, I comforted friends who were frightened of storms, and eventually even became a storm chaser when I worked for a television station during university. I love a good storm!
However, the past couple of weeks as I watched “Irene” make landfall, and the season of fall try so desperately to push Summer out-of-the-way – I found myself thinking about change and how often change comes with storms. It for sure happens in nature – for every cold or warm front that tries to push in and change the current weather conditions we see storms. They may be thunderstorms, rain storms, or devastating storms such as a tornado or hurricane; regardless of the severity, we see them.
I was recently at a Women of Faith conference and heard Patsy Clairemont speak. Of everything else that was said that weekend one of the things that continues to come back and force its way into my thinking was a talk she gave on change. That change can be good. However, almost the same breath she expressed that it very often doesn’t look like what you want.
The changing of seasons of our lives also come with storms. Sometimes just light rain, or some noisy thunder, but sometimes change brings on a violent storm that leaves us broken, shattered, our foundations shifted or cracked and our faith on the brink of destruction. Maybe it is a wound that has cut so deeply into the soul that you wonder how a loving God could have ever let that happen – faith shaken. Or a loss so monumental – a friend, a loved one – that you even as you read this you the memory causes you to take an inward glance and see the cracks in the walls of your faith that happened due to the shift of the foundation of your belief system. It could be a dream – one you held so dearly for so many years and in the end the disillusionment of the failed fulfillment of said dream left you broken into pieces that seem irreparable.
So where does that leave us? Broken, shattered, in disrepair….perhaps even longing for the season that has just passed (even if we didn’t like it either)….anything to bring us out of these storms.
One of my favorite phrases in the Bible is “But God, in His appointed time….” Just saying it out loud calms the raging storms most days. HIS appointed time – not mine. Nothing that happens in my life happens without passing through His hands first. Not a raindrop, a flash of lightning, or furious deluge of a storm can get to me without God allowing it. What promise that holds. In Isaiah 42:16 the scriptures tell us “In paths they do not know, I will guide them. I will make darkness into light before them and rugged places into plains. There are things I will do and I will not leave them undone.”
Do you see the future tense in this verse? There is more…there is a beautiful season beyond this set of storms. The Lord is bringing a respite of coolness to the heat of the summer…we just have to endure through the storm. To keep our eyes focused on the Cross and all of the promises it holds. If you are breathing you still have a purpose, which means there is more to come, and the best God has for you is yet to come.
This summer is going to end. And while the heat was a constant battle for me there were some very beautiful moments. Waking up to an early morning sunrise shining into my eastern facing window, spending time with friends beside the grill, the joy of 6 new and precious lives coming into the world during the month of June, baseball, hot dogs, sweet family time as we came together to celebrate my Grandfather’s 80th year of life, lessons learned that were hard and forever changed parts of me. This season has been good.
Change is coming – with that change will come stormy days and probably a few stormy nights. But change is good. It introduces new seasons, new hope, new joy, new blessings and promises just waiting to be claimed. When the storms pass we’ll still be standing, we’ll see that God has been right there beside us even when we did not see Him…He will heal the wounds if we allow Him, He’ll make the foundation stronger, He will pick up the shattered pieces and create something so beautiful out of the brokenness that would not have been had we not been broken in the first place. So as the change of season begins to roll in and the storms of life begin to build on the horizon – whether they be a light rain storm or a massive hurricane I will say with the writer of Hebrews “Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. (10:23)”
Bring on the change.
“This day’s been crazy but everything’s happened on schedule.
From the rain and the cold to the drink that I spilled on my shirt.
‘Cuz you knew how You’d save me before I fell dead in the garden.
And you knew this day long before you made me out of dirt.
“And you know the plans that you have for me.
And you can’t plan the ends and not plan the means…”
-Caedmon’s Call, “Table for Two”
These lyrics have been running round in my head since I saw Caedmon’s call in Dallas a few months ago. Specifically the line.. “Cuz you knew how You’d save me before I fell dead in the garden.” It was as if this line jumped out of the song and landed a direct punch into my face. Why do I continuously struggle with trust, and fall back into the rut of mediocrity when the God who knew me before the foundation of the world is in control.
A couple of weeks ago I was at Mary Kay seminar – which is the annual meeting for Mary Kay – and one of the directors speaking said this…
“God has a plan for your life.
He is not going to tell you that plan.
He is working on that plan right this minute
Your job is to be faithful today.”
Whew! What a lovely promise. Again, leading back to the simple act of trusting the Lord while walking out what He has for me today.
Then this week….I am reading through the Bible with friends of mine in Chicago. They have a bible study that I Skype into on Tuesday nights and we have a Facebook group where we share thoughts, prayer requests and more recently where we share our thoughts on the reading we are doing that day. Monday’s reading was in Genesis 42 – 43.
I’ve read that particular reading three or four times and I keep coming back to 43:14 – “If I be bereaved of my children, I am bereaved.” – Jacob (now called Isreal) is finally learning to trust God with his most precious & resigning himself to the reality that sometimes God takes what is most precious for His glory.
BAM! Once again the Lord showing me a theme of trust. If you look back over my blog, for the past 5 years of my story there is this resounding theme of my trying to walk on my own and the Lord calling me back through a myriad of circumstances over the years to trust Him. Why is this so hard for me? Why do I continuously try to do things on my own?
As I read this passage I once again was drawn to ponder for a while – what in my life do I not trust the Lord with…what do I cling to so hard and what is God forced to unclench from my fingers? A relationship, a life change, a seasonal wandering…..That I might learn to trust in His love for me and the promise that ALL things are done for my good (whether it feels like it at the time or not) and His Glory (my ultimate goal).
My friend, Julie, recently texted me words that I now I have written and stuck on my mirror – “He had your provision before you even knew you had a need.” It brought me right back to the beginning of this thought “He knew how he’d save me before I fell in the garden….” Which brought me to….”He has a plan….” Which brought me to every promise He has given me in the Word. A cyclical theme, from a loving, patient, faithful, redeeming, trustworthy Father.
If I should say, “My foot has slipped,” Your lovingkindness, O LORD, will hold me up.
When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul.
Send me. I’ll stay.
I have a wanderer’s spirit – no one who has known me for more than a minute is shocked by this statement. I love to be on the go…as soon as I get home from one fabulous adventure I am thinking and planning what my next one will be. This past year because my goal is to get myself 100% out of debt, I did not travel as often till right at the end when I finished platinum status on American Airlines in just over 60 days. That, my friends, is a lot of time on a plane – I don’t care who you are.
My favorite time of year is the Christmas season. Traditionally, if I am not in Africa with my parents, I spend it traveling around seeing friends and family. This year however, after spending most of October and November on a plane I decided that December was going to remain mostly sedate. I wanted to be at home in my house, without agenda. Mostly I wanted a time of quiet to plan out the next steps in life for my wandering soul.
Having been raised in church ministry and living on a mission field I was very well acquainted with the words of Isaiah, “Here am I – send me.” I’ve memorized this verse, sung it, seen it on banners and have even lived it out for the better part of my life. So, the past few months this has once again become my cry. “Here I am Lord, I have an angst to move, I feel the restlessness beginning to set it….send me. Lord, I could be of use to my parents in Botswana, or you could move me to the west coast I’ve always wanted to be near the ocean and the Pacific calls to my soul, I’ll move back to Hong Kong, or to whatever end of the earth you want to send me….I’m ready – I’ll start packing just tell me.”
But the Lord had something else in mind.
Scene: My apartment New year’s eve – I have spent the week purging and cleaning and organizing so as to go into this new year ready to face whatever God has for me. Though I have been invited to several fantastic parties, I have chosen to stay in and spend time quiet and alone – seeking the Lord as to what the new year will hold. (this is a first for me and was a sweet, sweet time).
I forced myself to sit quietly for an hour – this was one of the hardest things I have done in a long time. To sit in silence and clear my mind of all the jumbled thoughts that wanted to come and invade was quite nearly impossible. But finally, I got there – I sat quietly and asked to hear what amazing new thing God had for me because I was ready!!!! In the silence came a still small voice “Are you willing to stay right where I have you? I have things yet to teach you in this place. I know that you are willing to go – you are willing and ready to be sent, but are you willing to say ‘Here am I – I’ll stay.'” I’ll be honest here, friends, the answer was a resounding “NOOOO!” I’m ready to go, to move, to get out of here. I want a new life and new adventures and I have put in my time in Dallas already. But as the Lord continued to do His own gentle cleaning and purging of my spirit, I understood what He was asking and tearfully and humbly yielded to His will.
I have a vision to what I believe the Lord is calling me to do and there will be some amazing changes this year – I can feel them, I’ve already set things in motion for some of them – I am in anxious anticipation of all that I have to learn and experience – but in the midst of it I am learning to wait on the Lord and his timing and to hold to the promise of the Lord in Habakkuk 2: 3 – The vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow,wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.”(emphasis mine)
So, while I wait for that vision and His perfect timing I will in obedience say “Here am I, Lord, I’ll stay.”
So last year, I made and kept this amazing resolution that I was going to travel somewhere fun at least once a month. I went all over the place and traveled enough to finally earn Gold status with American.
This year – my resolution is to be out of debt, because I want to go back to school. I am furiously working at this particular goal, but it has very much cramped my travel schedule! The last time I was on a plane was months ago – a 24 hour work trip to Chicago.
Months and months of being in Dallas has been ok. I’ve deepened some friendships, made some new ones. Learned more about Dallas the city. Found fun and interesting things to do around town – and could probably find a few more if I wanted. I’ve accomplished somethings I’ve been wanting to accomplish, like running my first 5K. It has been good over all.
But my soul is restless….my feet are itching. Really my heart is not happy unless there is a trip in the planning. Praying for wisdom as to what the next adventure is that He might have for me….something that requires lots of travel time.
In the meantime, this restless soul will just do a bit of wandering today – and who knows….maybe paint a wall or grab my camera and find something pretty to photograph. Or maybe just drive on over to DFW and jump on a plane……
I am studying in Ephesians right now – I wasn’t too sure when I first started the study…but I am now loving it. What is striking to me is the amount of times that the phrase “according to” or “in accordance with” shows up in this book.
“According to the good pleasure of His will” “According to the riches of His grace.” “According to his good pleasure”, “According to the purpose of Him who worketh all things after the counsel of His own will”, “According to the working of His mighty power”, – and that is just chapter one! What I am learning from that is that it is not “according to” ME at all….it is His will, His Grace, His mercy, His power, His might, His purposes that were designed before the foundation of the world….and I have been chosen by Him to be a receipient of that.
There are days like today when I wake up and can rest totally in that. Then there are days like yesterday…when I wanted all control and rest and trust where something I had to wrestle against my own self to attain.
Oh that I might learn to have more days like today.
I refuse to live the remainder of my life where I am right now, stagnating at this point. – Francis Chan
Reading these words filled my heart with several conflicting emotions. A longing to live up to them, a thankfulness that my heart had already cried them three years ago and an angst that I had almost forgotten them.
It has taken me a long time to get to this point – willing to share what is truly in my heart. This blog will be rather raw – a surprising confession to some and hopefully encouraging to others who find themselves where I have been.
I want to say something right up front before I start this story – just in case you don’t get to the end. I have lived so many lies that I did not realize were lies, and hurt so many of you with them in my 33 years.
For those I have hurt along the way I confess to you an apology & ask that you might forgive me. I was not honest with myself for so long – so how could I be honest with you? I promise to do my best, with God’s help, to be honest and open from now on and pray that God would use my struggles to bring you closer to Him.
The story begins on a freezing, iced over night in January 2007….
the weekend of my thirtieth birthday, I found myself sitting at the feet of a woman who loves me deeply and who I trusted to confess the true state of my heart. I sat weeping almost uncontrollably as I confessed to her that I didn’t really know who God was, wasn’t sure I cared, and had no idea how to get to know Him better if I did care. I had lived a life of doing the “God thing” because I was the granddaughter of two pastors and the daughter of a missionary. I was supposed to believe in God. I knew how to talk to the talk, walk the walk and deceive everyone around me into thinking I was this amazing Godly kid.
At 30, I was simply a walking lie.
At 30, I really had no desire to participate in a life that I was finding to be mundane and joyless – even though others around me seemed to be finding joy within it. I did not get it. What drove them to study the Bible – I found it so extremely boring (especially since I knew it all anyway). What drove them to serve – I did it for the purely selfish reason of being noticed and admired. What drove them to sacrifice – I was just trying to get by on my own and wasn’t sure about giving till it hurt.
At 30, I was an empty shell, doing the hobby of Christianity – doing what Christians did, saying what Christians say, walking in my own strength, fooling everyone into thinking I was an amazing Godly woman.
That night, instead of looking on me with horror, pulling out her Bible to cast out all of the demons in me, condemning my actions and judging my parents (a very real pride-filled fear of mine) for somehow failing in their raising of me – this amazing woman simply held me like a child. She cried with me, she held my hands and let me know that it was perfectly ok to not be ok, she didn’t try to have all the right words, she simply loved me right where I was in that moment.
That confession that night began a very long, treacherous, journey over the past three years. I’d like to say that night I was instantaneously set free from the fake life I was living and everything was all better. That I started living an authentic life rather than a lie, that I began to be real and vulnerable rather than fake and proud, but that is sadly not the case – I have a hard head and sometimes it takes a long time for me to learn.
After that sweet time of confession – I went right back to living exactly how I had been for another year. Pursuing the empty false “pleasures” of life and being completely miserable. Putting on the face I thought everyone wanted to see. I know that those of you who have known me, or those who follow this blog may think “What miserable? – I never saw that.” I can only say that I had become and expert at masking who I was on the inside. I went to church, blogged about the amazing things God was doing in my life, began to lead a bible study and a prayer ministry, showed my “sweet angelic” face to the world – yet inside I was hollow. I didn’t believe most of the stuff I was dishing out and I was about as deep as a tide pool at low tide.
This went on till October of 2008. I looked up in the midst of yet another change in my life and realized I did not like me. In fact, I pretty much hated myself. I hated who I was, I hated the game I was playing with a God I wasn’t sure I believed in, and I had few real friends – as the people I surrounded myself with were toxic co-dependent taking up space relationships that were literally sucking the life out of me slowly and steadily. I spent hours in front of the television watching fake lives and wishing they were my own, but had no desire to go make one for myself. “How could people like me if I was such a loser and didn’t even like myself”, was my constant thought. I wanted OUT! I- me- the REAL ME! – the girl inside was screaming to be found. “Stop ignoring me.” – she would cry to my fake self, “Stop trying so hard and just let me out – its ok.”
And the dark night – got darker.
Over the next few months, I made some very difficult decisions regarding the people I called “friend”. I thought that would be the answer – get rid of the life sucking relationships in my life – find new ones – and things would be better. Oh my silly naive self – hadn’t I tried this a few dozen times already in life.
The good part of that decision was getting rid of the bad relationships. However, as I looked around I didn’t know how to “get new ones”. So, I was lonely and my heart ached for companionship that I couldn’t seem to find.
I got rid of my TV. This was an amazing step in my life because it was fun to watch the reactions of people when I said “I don’t have a TV.” No one was quite sure what I did with all of the time that I now had on my hands – and to be honest at first I didn’t either.
I started being honest with myself. I looked in the mirror and saw a person that acted selfless to get praise, who was “proudly” humble, and had no idea who God was. So I stopped the lies. I stopped acting selfless yet actually being selfish and began to question my motives before acting out. (Amazingly this helped me stay out of a few more codependent “friendships” that tried to creep back in). I looked at those that I know that truly walk in humility and began to watch the characteristics of their lives so that I could begin to live that out truthfully. I decided to “get to know God”.
I came face to face with the fact that though I had proclaimed God as King for virtually all of my life, I, in fact, was only mimicking words and beliefs of others. I began to walk through very dark nights of the soul where I battled and wrestled with whom and what I believed. Again, even looking back at my blogging during this time – so few of you would know this because I am good at wearing the mask. I am good at putting on the appropriate face and using the correct vocabulary for whatever the current situation is. I’d been doing it all of my life.
At this point I finally got “honest” enough to stop leading at church. If I didn’t know if I believed then I probably shouldn’t be teaching others.
First – Jesus – who is this guy? I know what I had been taught, but I wasn’t so sure. So I started in Matthew and began to read the New Testament just as I would read any other book. What I found – Jesus is a whole lot different than what my mind knew to be “truth”. I found someone who didn’t condemn the poor for being poor – He LOVED them. He didn’t judge the prostitute, whore, tax collector, drunkard, thief, crippled, different, ignorant, unfaithful, doubting, broken, seeking yet so far away person….He LOVED them. As I looked closer the ones that Jesus condemned looked a lot like me. The shallow, glory stealing, religious zealot who acted like he knew it all but in reality knew very little and simply judged the rest of the world because of his selfish pride. In fact, the Jesus of the Bible would most likely walk into 98% of our church buildings here in the west and either start “cleaning up the temple”, turn and walk away in shame of those that say they follow him, or be turned away at the door for not looking like he belonged there. With this reality check came some seriously dark nights. I didn’t want to be this person any more. I battled, I struggled, I studied, I doubted, I cried, I yelled, I talked to those who loved me enough to meet me right where I am. More and more I began to agree with Donald Miller’s statement – The more I trust Christ with redemption, the less I’m impressed with religious zeal and posturing.
I simply fell in love with Jesus, because He is so in love with me – and He is enough. It took me so long to be able to say that and mean it – I’d said it for so long with no meaning – HE IS ENOUGH.
In every question, every moment of doubt,fear, anxiety, unbelief, untruth I was living in – He was there – He was/is the answer, assurance, joy, peace, belief and Truth.
Where I am now….
This year (past three years really) has been a long, rough journey. I have gone to the darkest moment of my life and screamed out to just know Truth if there was any out there. I have battled depression, anxiety, and fear of Truth. I have doubted the God of my childhood and questioned things I have never let myself question before. In early fall, I had an amazing 4 hour conversation with a friend that I love dearly who lives as an atheist and very much liked his way of thinking – yet found that when I walked in that direction I found no Hope and Joy in a lack of a God – rather I found paralyzing fear in trusting in my own wisdom. When I sought Him I found Him just as He promised I would. I have come face to face with the God of the Bible and decided for myself -not because I am a ministry kid or church goer – but truly for myself what I believe and how that lines up with my life.
In this journey I have come to sweet moments of Grace. In studying I have found promises I never knew existed and in living I have found a God that lives up to them in ways that I did not expect. I have been surrounded – not of my own seeking out of them but by God’s grace – by Godly people who love me exactly where I am. I have been given friends – real friends – the kind you can call at 3 in the morning because you are sad and you just need to talk. I have learned how to be vulnerable and honest. At one point I went to my pastor and said – I don’t know about all of this God stuff – and he loved me enough to say I have been there, I know exactly where you are and it sucks. Those were the words I need to hear! Perhaps no one else heard the Hope in them – but here was a man who had walked as an agnostic for so long – came to Christ – and even after coming to Christ battled the darkness of the soul. That he was honest about that rather than condemning towards me was a picture of Christ to my soul.
I know more of who I am, and I like her. I am still battling pride, learning to trust, heartbroken over my own actions at times, still broken in so many ways. But I am learning that He never gets tired of my brokenness – He is patient and loving and willing to heal me if I am willing to stop trying to control it all and let Him do His perfect Work.
As for you, my friends – my heart’s cry is that this spoke to you in some way wherever you may be on your own journey. That my battle would ease some of your own doubts. If you are walking where I have walked that you would simply keep walking towards Truth. I know that some read this and think, “Three years that is all? I’ve been battling for so much longer.” The truth is – so was I – I was just not honest enough to say so.
I love you more than you know – honestly.
The beauty of it all is the foundation of godly friendship, the question is what kind of house needs to be built on it. Working with the Master Builder comes with the promise that no matter what the design, it will have walls of love, joy, and hope. Processing, Patience, Time….
“I will climb up into my watchtower now and wait to see what the Lord will say to me and how he will answer my complaint. Then the Lord said to me, “Write my answer in large, clear letters on a tablet, so that a runner can read it and tell everyone else. But these things I plan won’t happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, wait patiently, for it will surely take place.It will not be delayed”