Day 22 – Reflections on the past

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7 years ago today….I wrote this poem.  Interesting how cyclical our lives can be….and how the struggle of the past can comfort in the present.  Different struggles, different part of the journey, same faithful God.

Pain finds its way in;
Forgiveness heals.
Worry pushes and hammers at the door;
Faithfulness quiets the noise.
Anger rages;
Gentleness soothes.
Weariness overwhelms;
Strength comes in the shelter of the Rock.
Confusion torments;
Trust fights back.
Sadness comes in waves, threatening to drown,
Peace that passes understanding reaches out and pulls the swimmer into the boat.
Voices scream out for attention, trying to distract the one on the journey;
ONE quiet whisper, “BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD.”

The battle is won.

Day 26 – I did it

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Today I did something I haven’t done in 6 years. I put on my competitive weight taekwondo uniform, tied on my black belt and went back to class.

IT.WAS.AMAZING!

I am so thankful for the heritage that got me as far as I am today. I miss my TKD family from the Woodlands. Walking into that school brought so many happy memories and amazing times. I cannot imagine my life with Mr. Andy Moreno and the time that he invested into my life and my training. I also cannot imagine my life with the incredible families that I got to know and be a part of while there.  I love each and every one of them and am thankful for that season of my life.

Today, starts a new chapter. A new school. A new instructor. New goals. New forms to learn.

Today I did it. I started over…and it feels so good!

Day 25 – Paper writing

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After a ridiculous hiatus due to life happenings and random excuses that shouldn’t be – I’m back concentrating on my grad school work!

As I often say – the beauty and blessing of an adult learning program is the flexibility it allows. However, the curse of an adult learning program is the flexibility it allows.

Today I have spent the day working on a paper for a class called the Process of Change. This particular paper is about the cultural transitional experience of a young polish girl born just after World War 2 – who immigrated to Canada with her parents when she was 13. As you can imagine any transition from a war torn country to a country with seeming affluence in comparison is life changing.

There is much more to be written here – but I’ve been writing all day. I’m out folks….night!

Day 24 – I fell asleep

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I feel asleep at 7:30 pm – it has been a long week what can I say – then back awake just long enough to get ready and fall into bed. So Day 24….just didn’t happen.

Day 23 – A mess

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If one’s home is a reflection of one’s heart….I should be worried.

Some days trying to keep up with work, dogs, school, friends, and life in general the house is what gets left till last.

Some days when trying to keep up with work, dogs, school, friends and life in general the heart is what gets left till last.

But when my house is in order my life is in order. I know where things are. I don’t spend 10 minutes searching for keys that are right on the hook where I left them. Things smell good. Things look good. I don’t worry if friends unexpectedly drop in.
A clean house is welcoming to the other parts of life.

But when my heart is in order my life is in order. I know how to handle things. I don’t spend 10 minutes searching my heart for answers that I already know. Things feel right. Things look good. I don’t worry if a friend unexpectedly asks my state of mind or where I am in my walk. A clean heart is welcoming to other parts of my life.

Off to find the dust rag and broom – I’ve got some work to do.

Off to find my Bible and spend some time in prayer – I’ve got some work to do.

Day 22 – I am not alone (and neither are you)

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A while ago I was at a women’s conference where we silently shared our cardboard testimonies.  On one side were words describing who they were before Christ and on the other the words describing who they were after.  I knew many of  these women.  I loved them. But there were secrets revealed that day that made me love them even more.  These woman had bravely opened up their souls and with simple words and phrases let friends and strangers see into the crevices of their hearts.  The parts of us that most of us try to hide, sweep under a rug or pretend do not exist – these women boldly shed light on for all to see.

What I noticed most of all was how many of us had the same or similar words.

Fearful.

Insecure.

Angry.

Hurt.

Abandoned.

Lonely.

Some of these same things are words I hid behind for years.  These words which were written on another’s sign pierced through and revealed buried wounds in my own heart.

These wounds were not revealed in such a way that they could hurt me again, but rather they were revealed in the light of sweet sisters that had exactly the same hurt, fear, brokenness I did.  I was reminded once again I am not in this battle alone. And that in confession of the wounds there is room for healing.

Whatever your words are – know that you are not alone in your battles. Someone else has that same struggle, brokenhearted identity, and fear. Those words that you hide behind, sometimes without even knowing, they are not your identity.  The One who sacrificed His life for you has banished all of them for all time.  He longs to change the words that you hide behind and heal your wounds. So speak them out, or write them down, reveal them to another.  You will find that in revealing there is restoration, in confession there is a way made to wholeness and healing.

I too had a cardboard testimony to share that day.

Insecure.

Fear-Filled.

Searching for an Identity.

Full of Doubt.

Those were my words. By grace, mercy and the transforming power of the Holy Spirit now they have changed.

Secure.

Courageous.

Identity found in Him.

Full of Love.

That day I remembered – I was not alone. And Neither are you.

1….2…skip a few….Day 21 – It’s in the “little” things

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I’m back….starting the counting again. And will make no excuses for the time skipped. It is what it is.

On my way “off the grid” two weeks ago, I passed a field with beautiful horses. They were grazing on the wild flowers in the pasture, and the sun was setting, and everything about the picture was perfect.

I quietly sighed to myself, “I wish I had a friend who had horses so I could ride and enjoy them once in a while.” I kept driving and didn’t think more about it really.

Less than 12 hours later, I was working on setting up for the weekend and talking to my new friend, Jenn. Somehow the conversation got around to horses and farms. Guess what! Jenn has horses! She works with them all day long at her job!

BAM! Just like that this little tiny whisper of a desire in my heart that even I just barely acknowledged to myself…had been fulfilled. I now had a new friend…who had horses.

It is the “little” things like this that God does that overwhelm my heart constantly. Fulfilling desires that sometimes I didn’t even choose to formally acknowledge, but He knows my inner most parts and His desire is that His daughter knows that she is loved and cherished.

So when the bigger desires plague my mind – A desire for a family member to come back to the Lord, or a desire for a godly man to pursue my heart….when those desires weigh heavy…it is the “little” things that I remember and that encourage me to strive on.

-photo by Nicole Staples at http://www.thinkdreambelieve.com

Day 20 – Off the grid

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I am headed off the grid to a spiritual retreat for the weekend. That means that I will not be posting anything till at least Sunday night. (I will still write every day and post those writings later…challenge is still on.)

One of my favorite things about going off the grid is the silence I am able to give my heart. So often the noise of this life is simply overwhelming. Work demands give way to house demands give way to school demands and those demands give way to all of the other things that make up a life: friends, obligations, walking the dog, staying healthy, staying current on the news, checking facebook, updating twitter….etc etc etc. The spiral goes on and on till life is just chaotic and out of control.

Then for a weekend…I get to unplug. I get to leave my phone and computer at home, take off my watch…and simply be. Granted even in this time I will be busy and serving….but I will have opportunities for quiet where I can just sit still and know the presence of the Lord.

I’ve been longing for this weekend….waiting for it….it is finally here….and I am ready.

Day 19 – short and sweet

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Tonight will be short and sweet! This week is full of preparation. At work I am preparing for an important meeting that happens next week. Working to make sure all the details that the organizer wants are in place while I try to balance all of that with my other responsibilities.
At home I am preparing to serve at a women’s retreat this weekend, and trying to still my heart while making sure my house is in order and my lists are all taken care of before I leave on Thursday night!
What the enemy wants this week is for me to be flustered and crazy. Instead I am learning to lean in to Him for my strength, do my best and know that it will all be done.
So tonight I am headed for bed earlier than I have in weeks. Calmly trusting that tomorrow will take care of itself.
Night peeps!

Day 18 – Somebody prayed for me

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Somebody prayed for me
They had me on their mind
They sacrificed their time
Got down on their knees and prayed for me

They had no doubt 
That God would bring me out
That He would change my life and set me free

I’m so glad that someone prayed for me. 

Those lyrics – which by the way are incredibly, annoyingly Rhymey (if that is not a word  I just made it one) – are on this constant replay in my head the past few weeks.  Just when I think they are out of my head and a new song can take up residence there, someone says something that prompts them to start all over again.

Before the past few weeks I probably had not heard this song in 20 years or so.  Even then, I’m not sure I liked it.

However, as annoying as the rhyme might be, the song holds truth.  It is in that truth that so often I am humbled and overwhelmed.  Someone did, in fact, pray for me.

I have made some pretty dumb choices in this short life of mine. I’ve made choices that one day I may share, and I’ve made choices whose stories will stay dead and buried right where they belong! But somewhere in the midst of those really poor choices – someone was praying for me.

As the the lyrics say ‘They had no doubt that God would bring me out, change my life, and set me free.’

And I am here to tell you, friends, I am free!  I am free from insecurity! Free from the need of someone besides God to give me my identity! I am free from constant worry that I will not have my needs met. Free from addictions that ensnared and free from lies that entangled my soul. I am free!

And when any of the above try to sneak back into my life I live in confidence that someone is praying for me.  That fact, ladies and gentlemen, is enough to push back all sorts of darkness from my heart and mind.

Mom, dad, aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends like family – those of you who have sacrificed sweet moments and precious hours seeking God’s face on my behalf – thank you is not enough for how I feel about your prayers and sacrifice.  Because of you my life is changed for ever.

So even if I think the lyrics are a bit cheesy, and the rhyming parts annoy me as they tumble over and over in the vein of the song that never ends.  I have to grin a little as I get to the end of the day and sing along….I’m so glad that someone prayed for me.